User blog:UUnlockedMario/How to Unlock Drew Pickles in Angry Birds Go!: Survival of the Fastest

Hello, my name is Drew Pickles, and today I am not going anywhere. Instead, I am going to show you how to unlock me in Angry Birds Go!: Survival of the Fastest. As in every video game ever, I am the strongest and swellest character of them all. I am maxed out in all of my stats. My kart is called the Dildis Driver. As the name implies, it looks like a racecar version if the one-and-only Penis Car. There is a 1-in-6 chance that any of the Mighty Creatures will be my trophy hander. If it is Mother Bird, that dumb slut will be smacked to death. If you are a disgusting female, then too fucking bad, you can't unlock me. When you play as me, I will speed-rape any racers who come close to me like HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, except for those disgusting females, whom I would smack to death instead. I also have my own items, for example; a dildo which makes me go faster, and a condom which makes me invincible. When I throw an Apple Pie at my opponents, they get covered with my semen. Instead of using the Lazer, I shoot my semen at my opponents to shrink them. The TNT Crates are also filled with my semen.

I bet you are stroking your cock vigorously, in the idea of racing as me in one of the best racing games of all time. Well, calm the fuck down and pay attention, as I explain to you how to unlock me.


 * 1) First of all, you will need the Switch version of the game, and it must be an actual cartridge, not a fucking digital or pirated copy. I am not in the mobile, Wii U, or 3DS versions of the game. If it is a bootleg copy, destroy that piece of shit and go buy the real thing.
 * 2) Second, you will need to have all the characters unlocked.
 * 3) Third, you will need a bottle of motor oil. I will tell you why later, but it must be motor oil, since it's a racing game.
 * 4) You will need to start up the game, and complete a time trial on all 20 tracks. It doesn't matter what time you reach, but for every track, you must submit your name as "PENIS". Any character may be used, except Matilda, Stella, Silver, Scarlett, Ruby, Poppy, Willow, Dahlia, Gale, Skunky, Princess Pig, or Shakira, because they are disgusting females.
 * 5) Make sure your data is saved. If you don't do this, the swell process will not work.
 * 6) After this, turn of the console, and remove the cartridge. Now, shove the cartridge up your ass like KHIDJIFJIFENVKNVIRTHIWERNSGNKTORRNFSWHWRKREJREI.
 * 7) Then, you must jack off to gay porn like HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
 * 8) Then, cum all over your Switch like SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI.
 * 9) Then, say "Bag, that was swell".
 * 10) Then, you must fart out the cartridge. Make sure the cartridge is covered with your shit, or you will have to do the swell process all over again.
 * 11) Next, you must find a man to rape. You must jam the cartridge into his ass like KHIDJIFJIFENVKNVIRTHIWERNSGNKTORRNFSWHWRKREJREI.
 * 12) Then, you must stick your cock into his ass and rape him like HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
 * 13) You must insert his penis into the motor oil that I mentioned earlier, while raping him. Then you must cum like SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI. Then say "Bag, that was swell". When you pull your cock out of his ass, remove the cartridge as well. The cartridge must be covered in his shit and your cum. If this does not happen, then the swell process must be repeated all over again.
 * 14) Then, turn on your Switch, and take a piss inside the part where you insert the cartridge.
 * 15) You must insert the cartridge back into your Switch.

The swell process is now over. When you start up the game, instead of Red holding a trophy on the title screen, it will be me holding a golden dildo. Unlike the other unlockable characters, I can be played in Adventure Mode. For my victory animation, I play my penis like a guitar. When I lose, I will masturbate furiously. Furthermore, there is no need to race the bosses, as I can use my penis as a key, so I can immediately race against Mario, who I would also speed-rape when I race against him.

I am also the best character to play as in Time Trials, as I can rape the ghosts. Well, that is how you unlock me in Angry Birds Go!: Survival of the Fastest. Enjoy the swellness of it. Oh, and this is all just a joke, and if you actually do this entire swell process in real life, then you're a fucking idiot.